Waiting Game, cont'd.

I find out tomorrow.

Seven days ago I was told I'd know in 7-14 days. Yesterday I was told Friday. On Friday it will be certain. The waiting will be over. I'll know.

Yesterday morning, when I found out it would be Friday, I thought to myself, "Now how am I supposed to make it through two more days?" It was like the waiting game I've been playing this past month was ratcheted up a notch. Waiting squared. I was at work. I thought, "I can't possibly think. I can't possibly do my daily life." All I could think about was getting the answers, about getting the surgeries, about the 'what ifs'.

I didn't sleep too well last night. I was sleeping fine until three days ago. Then I started taking valerian root or kava to help cool my anxieties. Last night I stayed up late watching silly movies. I decided, at this point, I just need to make the hours pass.

Yesterday morning, after I found out it would be Friday and I thought to myself "Now how am I suppose to make it through two more days," I emailed Michael and told him we're going out to eat. And he said that's just fine. An hour later, my friend Lauren was in my office, returning my hats I'd left in her car. She gave me a card to read later and we talked about social justice and history and white privilege and Civil Rights and the American military presence in the Marshall Islands. It was great and it helped me feel normal. It helped the time pass with my mind on other things.

After she left I opened the card. Lauren, Rachel, Gina, Katie, Sherri, and Charlene chipped in to buy Michael and me a night out... gift certificate to a really awesome nice restaurant called Town. They serve locally grown foods, really nice place. Amazingly tasty. Plus they bought me a massage. The card said they wanted to do something to show they were there for us, thought we might like some distraction, thought we could use a night out. I sat in my office and cried, in a good way. I've got great friends.

I told Michael, "We're going to Town." He said that was just fine.

We went to Town. Went all out, splurged on really nice dishes, got a rum drink with ginger. We took the bus there, but walked home with dusk setting and colors shot across the sky.

This morning I was almost frantic. 28 more hours, I told myself. 27 more hours. Then I stopped counting and sometime around 24 hours to go I suddenly switched from waiting, waiting, waiting, to ohgodnowI'mgoingtoknow. Because right now there is still some hope that there will be one surgery, and then it'll all be done. But in... 19 hours... In 19 hours I'll know. And there's no going back after that. And everything might change tomorrow.

I can't help but have hope. We've discussed this already, this giddy hope that it'll "only" be surgery to remove a tumor. Because maybe it's only that. Right now, it's 50% only that.

But right now it's 50% bad news also. It's 50% genetic mutation. It's 50% surgeries and possible cancer in my future. Probable cancer without the surgeries.

Right now it's a coin toss. Right now I don't know. But tomorrow...

(Between you and me, I think it would be too much of a coincidence that, given my family's history, that I would have developed a tumor without the gene. Between you and me, those odds seem a bit too high to be realistic. But don't tell me that, because I've still got hope. I'm still hoping for the good outcome. I still got a 50% shot at coincidence.)

Today I solicited concrete tasks for work. I asked my boss, Can I draft the invitation letter? I asked the project manager to let me run the errands. Anything at all-- do you need coffee? My general task at work is to find information that affects the project, and I just couldn't... learn things today. I'd read a paragraph four times before I realized I still didn't know what it said. But concrete tasks. I rocked the concrete tasks. Great draft letter. Errands all completed.

It was threatening to rain when I got home this afternoon so I chose to watch movies over another long bike ride. Just need to make the hours pass now. This is what gets me through today-- distraction, denial, sunny disposition. I smile at everyone. I tell strangers to have a great day.

I watch movies and I make the time pass.

I'll know tomorrow.