Hey y'all!
Here I am in Honoka'a. We don't have internet at home, but we have a computer lab we can get to, so I'll be able to give intermittent updates. Not too much has happened here yet, but here's a bit about where I'm at and what I'm doing.
My Quentin Burdick team is now comprised of three people. The fourth had to drop out because of a medical emergency. It was a sad story, but the important thing is that she'll be able to recover over the summer and get back to school in the fall. So, I'm here with Kristina, who is an Audiologist from California, and Erin, who is a Med student from Hilo (about an hour drive from Honoka'a). I'm the oldest and therefore wisest of the three of us, and they really look up to me. At least, that's what I tell them and I'm sure that the awkward silences that follow such proclamations mean that they're too embarrassed to admit how much they rely on my vastly superior life experience. I mean, I have several years more life experience than them. You can't fake this stuff.
Anyway, they're both cool, though not really into the whole "simple living" thing. Not that they have anything against it, just not what they do. So it surprises me sometimes when they want to go eat at restaurants a lot, and it surprises them sometimes when I bring reused plastic grocery sacks to the store with me. Not that either of those things is strange in any way... just a matter of what each of us are used to and not used to. But the most important thing is that they both enjoy food as much as I do, so I'm sure we'll be eating well.
We're working on updating The Binder right now. It's a user guide for high school seniors to guide them through the process of applying for college... all the stuff they'll need to do throughout the year. Last year's team made it. We're updating the info, plus rewriting it to be more user friendly. Figured that's a good way to upgrade on the awesome project started last summer.
We'll also be helping out with the Asthma Camp, including putting on a skit. Ours will be Indiana Jones and the Temple of Wheeze. Oh, and in addition to mentoring a new group of high school seniors, we'll be meeting with last year's group before they head off to college.
Man, this is the most boring entry ever.
Okay, we went down to Kona the other day and had some fast food sushi with one of Erin's classmates. Then he showed us how to get to a local office supply store, because I refused to let my team shop at Walmart. We actually got into a fistfight over it. Okay, that may be a slight embellishment to the story. It was more like they said, "We can go to Walmart." And I said, "Eh... is there anyplace local?" And they said, "I don't know." And then we asked Erin's friend and he called his mom, who's a high school administrator, and she told him where we could go.
Then, because we were in Kona we... no, we didn't go to the coffee plantations (not yet), but we did go to Kona Brewing Company and had some beer. We got a sampler, which was four small beers (equivalent to two pints). Erin was driving, so she passed up. I'm a lightweight, so I just had one. Kristina can drink a pitcher plus two beers by herself, so she had the other three. We all walked away not drunk, but I was pleasantly... pleasant. AND, the beer I sampled was Kona coffee beer. It was a porter that actually had Kona coffee in it. Very interesting. I'd say good even, but not something I would crave. I'd drink it again, though I wouldn't go out of my way to do so.
Coffee and Beer, married in a happy Kona union.
Also, I saw some old black lava fields. I didn't even recognize them for what they were at first, because I'd never seen that kind of thing in person. People would take white coral and write their names on it. Miles of black with white writing spread out over it. It's crazy interesting to look at. Got some pictures, but my camera's batteries gave out.
And I had left my swimsuit on Oahu, so I bought a new one from the Clearance rack at Kmart. And, I'm still doing PT for my foot. Ev gave me a workout schedule to do which includes squats and split squats, along with balance exercises and heel raises and stuff. I'm hopeful that I'm going to develop a butt, which'll be cool, because I've never had one before. We're not exactly close to any beaches, but I'm sure we'll get to some during the trip, and I'll be able to rock out my twelve dollar bikini and my PT-toned gluts. Ha, oh, and we live on a mountainside basically. Walking down mainstreet is a basically flat walk. Turning left or right off of mainstreet suddenly takes you on a steep climb or decline. Kristina walked a mile downhill (right) and back up yesterday and said she's really aching today. So we have a new goal of being able to walk the breadth as well as the length of the town by the time we leave, without getting winded or overly sore. The walk to the computer lab for instance -- it's only half a mile tops uphill, but it's a very steep uphill. This'll take some practice, but we intend to have nice butts to show for it when all is said an done.
And therein lies the benefit of having an all-girl team. If I was living with boys, no matter how metrosexual, I doubt we'd have come up with that goal for the summer. Oh, I mean, we have other goals too. It's just that that one is the most important by far. Also some other stuff about helping some teens be the first in their families to go to college and silly stuff like that. Secondary stuff. You know.
Anyway, that's what's happened so far, in these last few days. I'll update again when I get a chance, and something interesting has happened. Lots of love, kati
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
The Final Countdown
Cue the synthesizers; it's time to dance.
I am awash with pre-trip jitters. It comes in stages, creeping in on me while I'm paying attention to other things. But I've learned how to deal with such things without going completely crazy, so I think I've been holding my own.
Stage One: Distraction. Inability to focus on important thing. Get sidetracked by unimportant details that really, truly, honestly don't matter at all. Fantasize about potential future events, activities, conversations... even imagine what sorts of thoughts I might be having at some hypothetical point in the future.
Stage Two: Frustration. It occurs to me that I can't get anything done and I feel like a loser. I try really hard to do something, anything, knowing from the beginning that I'm doomed to fail because in ten minutes I'll want to do something else, anything else. I get really bitchy and take it out on the closest person. Michael begins to wonder why I'm being so bitchy.
Stage Three: Realization. Not a genius for nothing. I have a knack for seeing patterns, even in my own behavior, though that can be trickier. I think, what's wrong with me? There's no reason for me to be so angry about burning my lunch. That doesn't normally piss me off this much. Oh yes! Pre-trip jitters! This happens every time! Embrace them, Kati! All will be right with the world again. I go apologize to Michael and he is kind enough to lie to me and tell me I was never really that bitchy.
Stage Four: Projects. Normally I'll start to make something creative, which I may or may not ever finish. That part doesn't matter. The important part is the doing, because it refocuses this extraordinary amount of energy that the universe is channeling through me. My projects this time are 1) reading a dozen books in two weeks 2) walking dozens of miles in two weeks 3) watching Babylon 5 again. The best part is that, because I'm about to go away for an unbearably long period of time, Michael and I have managed to make these projects interactive, with walks to the library, inconsequential discussions on the writing styles of various authors and how I'm better than them and would be a published New York Times best selling author too if only I would ever finish a damn book, and curling up on the couch to debate the theory, characters, and storyline of Babylon 5, which is just a great story.
Stage Five: Excitement. I dance about while cooking. I hop up and down in my seat while checking email. I can't stay put. I feel like I'll explode. By the end of the week, I'll be unable to sleep because there will be so much energy coursing through me, so many thoughts in my head that will refuse to quiet down. But I've gone without sleep before, and I'll remind myself (many times) that I should lay still and rest at least, and eventually I'll sleep again. I'll remind myself (many times) that it's okay to be tired and that I shouldn't be bitchy at people because of it. I'll remind myself (many times) that time passes quickly, that this'll be a great trip, a great summer, that I'll look back on fondly once I'm back in the arms of the man I love. I'll remind myself (many times) that though we'll be far apart, we'll still be married, still be the couple we are, we'll still communicate often. I'll remind myself (many times) that everything is going to be just fine, just like always. And then I'll remind myself to believe it. And for the most part, I will.
Stage Six: Lists. I know I'll forget everything, as unfocused as I am, so I'll begin to compile lists of things I need to do, and pack, and buy upon my arrival. While I'm anally remembering every possible detail of what I need to live, I'll conveniently forget that I'm a highly adaptable person and that no real harm will be done if I forget to buy baking soda that first day and have to resort to using shampoo on my hair. Then, I'll remember that about myself once I realize what it is I forgot and see how easily I subsequently adapt, and I'll feel a whole lot better.
Stage Six is scheduled to begin later on today. Right now I'm in Projects and Excitement stage. I swing back and forth between elated anticipation, and anxious apprehension. This will be a great experience. This will be six weeks away from my husband. How can both of those things be true at the same time? We've never been this long apart. I can imagine what the actual Quentin Burdick Practicum will be like... I've had experiences similar to that so I can anticipate a fair approximation of what that'll be like. But six weeks away from Michael? I have no standard for that. I don't know what that'll be like at all.
But I've made contingency plans. I'll be busy with work, but only for about forty hours a week. I'll be busy with my community for an unknown amount of time every week. We'll be creating a play for the asthma camp. We'll be wild pig hunting. We'll be horseback riding. We'll be taro farming. We'll be volcano seeing. And if there be time left for me to mope and feel lost and miss my husband, I have a new book to write. And I'm bringing thesis stuff to work on. And I'm bringing books to read. I will fill up every minute of my time if I have to. Relaxing things and fun things and creative things and important things.
Everything will be just fine. Just like always.
Remember.
I am awash with pre-trip jitters. It comes in stages, creeping in on me while I'm paying attention to other things. But I've learned how to deal with such things without going completely crazy, so I think I've been holding my own.
Stage One: Distraction. Inability to focus on important thing. Get sidetracked by unimportant details that really, truly, honestly don't matter at all. Fantasize about potential future events, activities, conversations... even imagine what sorts of thoughts I might be having at some hypothetical point in the future.
Stage Two: Frustration. It occurs to me that I can't get anything done and I feel like a loser. I try really hard to do something, anything, knowing from the beginning that I'm doomed to fail because in ten minutes I'll want to do something else, anything else. I get really bitchy and take it out on the closest person. Michael begins to wonder why I'm being so bitchy.
Stage Three: Realization. Not a genius for nothing. I have a knack for seeing patterns, even in my own behavior, though that can be trickier. I think, what's wrong with me? There's no reason for me to be so angry about burning my lunch. That doesn't normally piss me off this much. Oh yes! Pre-trip jitters! This happens every time! Embrace them, Kati! All will be right with the world again. I go apologize to Michael and he is kind enough to lie to me and tell me I was never really that bitchy.
Stage Four: Projects. Normally I'll start to make something creative, which I may or may not ever finish. That part doesn't matter. The important part is the doing, because it refocuses this extraordinary amount of energy that the universe is channeling through me. My projects this time are 1) reading a dozen books in two weeks 2) walking dozens of miles in two weeks 3) watching Babylon 5 again. The best part is that, because I'm about to go away for an unbearably long period of time, Michael and I have managed to make these projects interactive, with walks to the library, inconsequential discussions on the writing styles of various authors and how I'm better than them and would be a published New York Times best selling author too if only I would ever finish a damn book, and curling up on the couch to debate the theory, characters, and storyline of Babylon 5, which is just a great story.
Stage Five: Excitement. I dance about while cooking. I hop up and down in my seat while checking email. I can't stay put. I feel like I'll explode. By the end of the week, I'll be unable to sleep because there will be so much energy coursing through me, so many thoughts in my head that will refuse to quiet down. But I've gone without sleep before, and I'll remind myself (many times) that I should lay still and rest at least, and eventually I'll sleep again. I'll remind myself (many times) that it's okay to be tired and that I shouldn't be bitchy at people because of it. I'll remind myself (many times) that time passes quickly, that this'll be a great trip, a great summer, that I'll look back on fondly once I'm back in the arms of the man I love. I'll remind myself (many times) that though we'll be far apart, we'll still be married, still be the couple we are, we'll still communicate often. I'll remind myself (many times) that everything is going to be just fine, just like always. And then I'll remind myself to believe it. And for the most part, I will.
Stage Six: Lists. I know I'll forget everything, as unfocused as I am, so I'll begin to compile lists of things I need to do, and pack, and buy upon my arrival. While I'm anally remembering every possible detail of what I need to live, I'll conveniently forget that I'm a highly adaptable person and that no real harm will be done if I forget to buy baking soda that first day and have to resort to using shampoo on my hair. Then, I'll remember that about myself once I realize what it is I forgot and see how easily I subsequently adapt, and I'll feel a whole lot better.
Stage Six is scheduled to begin later on today. Right now I'm in Projects and Excitement stage. I swing back and forth between elated anticipation, and anxious apprehension. This will be a great experience. This will be six weeks away from my husband. How can both of those things be true at the same time? We've never been this long apart. I can imagine what the actual Quentin Burdick Practicum will be like... I've had experiences similar to that so I can anticipate a fair approximation of what that'll be like. But six weeks away from Michael? I have no standard for that. I don't know what that'll be like at all.
But I've made contingency plans. I'll be busy with work, but only for about forty hours a week. I'll be busy with my community for an unknown amount of time every week. We'll be creating a play for the asthma camp. We'll be wild pig hunting. We'll be horseback riding. We'll be taro farming. We'll be volcano seeing. And if there be time left for me to mope and feel lost and miss my husband, I have a new book to write. And I'm bringing thesis stuff to work on. And I'm bringing books to read. I will fill up every minute of my time if I have to. Relaxing things and fun things and creative things and important things.
Everything will be just fine. Just like always.
Remember.
Friday, June 6, 2008
A Modern Day Miracle
Dear Past Kati,
Dawg, I got this whole foot thing sewed up!
Okay, okay. I keep saying that I'm not going to get my hopes up too high, but let me tell you the Status Of The Foot.
I put the cane up last Sunday. I have since walked dozens of miles. My foot has been sore, twinging just a bit when I walk uphill. But I haven't felt Actual Pain in over a week. I can go up on my tiptoes. Repeatedly. And it's sore, but there is no Actual Pain. Not then, not the next day. My Physical Therapist, Ev, does this diggy thumb foot massage every time I go it (a la this CPR instructional video). It's one of those exquisite torture massages that hurts but somehow feels good anyway because it pokes right at the root of the pain. On Tuesday, there was very little pain. Yesterday, there was none. Little sore twinges sometimes, but no Actual Pain. I said to Ev, "Are you going easy on me today?" He said, "No, Laura" (he calls me Laura for Insurance Purposes) "I'm just doin' what I always do."
I am so active on my foot right now, what with the PT exercises and the walking and... still it gets better. It gets better and better. I walk places and giggle because I'm Walking Places! Pain free. Cane free. Aw, it's just awesome.
In related news, Past Kati, remember those worms you were planning on getting so you could compost stuff? Well, they're doing great. And as a matter of fact, I just harvested out first batch of compost and Michael and I planted two tomato plants, basil and oregano, along with some mystery seeds that appeared mysteriously at the Free Store on campus. I can't wait to see what they are. The worms are doing great. They have gone forth and multiplied, and they're still really cool looking, all glowin' blue in the sunlight. Awesome.
Okay, maybe that news wasn't related at all.
Take care, Past Kati. You're gonna love Spring 2008.
peace,
Present Kati
p.s. Hey Past Kati, do you remember when we went to Ireland and fell in love with scones? It was that time that we hurt our foot so bad, you know, that we were just talking about, just now? Well, in The Future, you will learn how to make scones, and they will be good. The Interwebs can teach you how to make anything.
Dawg, I got this whole foot thing sewed up!
Okay, okay. I keep saying that I'm not going to get my hopes up too high, but let me tell you the Status Of The Foot.
I put the cane up last Sunday. I have since walked dozens of miles. My foot has been sore, twinging just a bit when I walk uphill. But I haven't felt Actual Pain in over a week. I can go up on my tiptoes. Repeatedly. And it's sore, but there is no Actual Pain. Not then, not the next day. My Physical Therapist, Ev, does this diggy thumb foot massage every time I go it (a la this CPR instructional video). It's one of those exquisite torture massages that hurts but somehow feels good anyway because it pokes right at the root of the pain. On Tuesday, there was very little pain. Yesterday, there was none. Little sore twinges sometimes, but no Actual Pain. I said to Ev, "Are you going easy on me today?" He said, "No, Laura" (he calls me Laura for Insurance Purposes) "I'm just doin' what I always do."
I am so active on my foot right now, what with the PT exercises and the walking and... still it gets better. It gets better and better. I walk places and giggle because I'm Walking Places! Pain free. Cane free. Aw, it's just awesome.
In related news, Past Kati, remember those worms you were planning on getting so you could compost stuff? Well, they're doing great. And as a matter of fact, I just harvested out first batch of compost and Michael and I planted two tomato plants, basil and oregano, along with some mystery seeds that appeared mysteriously at the Free Store on campus. I can't wait to see what they are. The worms are doing great. They have gone forth and multiplied, and they're still really cool looking, all glowin' blue in the sunlight. Awesome.
Okay, maybe that news wasn't related at all.
Take care, Past Kati. You're gonna love Spring 2008.
peace,
Present Kati
p.s. Hey Past Kati, do you remember when we went to Ireland and fell in love with scones? It was that time that we hurt our foot so bad, you know, that we were just talking about, just now? Well, in The Future, you will learn how to make scones, and they will be good. The Interwebs can teach you how to make anything.
Monday, June 2, 2008
The Migraine Question
And other questions as well.
I've been thinking a lot about food over these past months. Granted, I think a lot about food all the time, since I *am* a food enthusiast and all, but still... been thinking about it in different terms lately. Part of it came from my newfound obsession with plastic packaging and ways in which I can reduce my consumption of it (though I'm nowhere near cutting it out, nowhere near at all), and part of it came from a renewed interest in the chemicals going into my body and how they affect my body and wellbeing, and part of it comes from being kinda poor but really liking to eat tasty food and subsequently coming up with good cheap tasty food I can eat. Mmm, tasty food I can eat.
I developed this philosophy a couple months back that I call The Choice Diet. It's actually a philosophy that I've lived by most of my adult life (when I've paid attention) and I only call it the Choice Diet because it is most easily related (for me) to food, though it relates to all aspects of my life. The simplest way to explain it is with the following example.
I go out to a restaurant with friends and I have a menu before me. This is my idea of heaven. All these things that I can choose from that I can eat and it'll be awesome because food is so good. I decide that there are two dishes that are really sticking out to me as top contenders, for slightly different reasons. One is the fettuccine alfredo with, well, whatever seafood or poultry or sausage. Doesn't matter. They're all good and my mouth is watering with the idea of them. This dish will be so tasty and it'll fill my belly and I'll probably clap when it arrives because I'll be so happy to indulge in its awesomeness. The other is a tofu curry with rice and vegetables. (My fantasy restaurant has both dishes). It will also taste awesome but will lack that exquisite bad-for-you-ness that makes the first dish particularly super-awesome.
You know what I'm talking about.
There's something about indulging in food that is bad for you that makes you feel good. The bad-for-you food can even be of a lesser quality than its good-for-you counterpart, but somehow it'll satisfy you more. It's something about the combination of fat and salt and sugar that just explodes through your synapses, releasing endorphins or serotonin or I dunno what... but after eating that fettuccine alfredo, all is right with the world. Tofu and vegetables will also taste very nice. It'll also make me happy, but I won't have that initial burst of enjoyment that comes with eating a super-awesome but very bad-for-you meal.
If that were the whole choice, eating well would be much more difficult. Every meal would be a choice between eating good and eating well. Every meal would be a choice between enjoyment and will power. My will power is all right, but let's face it. I'm lying. My will power is really not that great. I would eat the fettuccine alfredo at every meal. Except... that's not the whole choice.
What happens after I eat those meals will be largely different. After I eat Option A-- the super-tasty and very bad-for-you option-- is that my stomach will hurt. For hours. Hours. The whole rest of the night, probably. Even the next day I'll still feel kind of bloated and greasy. After I eat Option B-- the tasty and good-for-you option-- I'll be full until I stop feeling full, and then I'll eventually get hungry again. I'll experience no adverse effects. The meal'll probably last me the rest of the night, and even if it doesn't, I'll just grab a snack later. That whole night I'll feel just fine. The next day I'll feel just fine.
That's the choice. Option A-- feel great now, feel not-so-great later. Option B-- feel good now, feel good later. The question is, do I want to really really really enjoy this meal, OR, do I want to feel good the rest of the night?
Feel good now, or feel good later?
When do I want my gratification?
The answer isn't always the same, which is why the Choice Diet works for me. I don't care enough about looking like Angelina Jolie to exercise four hours a day or to always choose Option B. But I care enough about feeling well to go for walks, do the random sit-up, and choose Option B often enough that Option A doesn't weigh me down entirely. I don't care enough for getting wasted that I'll brave the subsequent hangover, though I'll often get tipsy, just not hangover-worthy tipsy. I don't care enough about guitar playing to practice enough to become a master. But I enjoy it enough to tinker around with it and be a truly mediocre player. I care enough about what I'm studying so that sometimes I'll go weeks without talking to people outside of my house and my department because I'm so consumed with what I'm learning. But sometimes, I'll choose Option B and veg the frig out, reading trash novels and not thinking.
The Choice Diet, to me, is the conscious consideration of What do I want, and What is it worth me doing to get it? The answer is not always the same. Therein lies the balance.
I first began to realize that I lived this way when I first became allergic to chocolate. Oh my, I love chocolate. Chocolate is the best. Chocolate contains a chemical called phenylethylamine that causes some people to get migraines. I became one of those people at age 25. I'm 26 now, so that was... four years ago. I experimented with chocolate for months because I wasn't about to take this new allergy lying down. I learned that chocolate is in nearly everything that I like, and nearly every time I eat it I get a migraine. I learned that I can eat very tiny bits with no effect. I learned that if I eat very tiny bits every day, by the end of the week, I will get a migraine. I learned that it's just easier to say I'm Allergic and not eat Any Chocolate Ever (except sometimes when I choose Option B-- tempt fate and willpower by eating tiny bits). The choices are Eat No Chocolate and Have No Chocolate-Induced Migraine, and, Super-Enjoy Me Some Chocolate and Potentially Suffer Great Pain For About A Day.
That's really not much of a choice. If you've ever had a migraine, you know that you would NEVER choose something that might cause one. I'll eat a tiny bit (less than a fingernailfull's worth) about once a year because I don't want to risk that cumulative effect that I discover way back when.
But, well, I still get migraines. I know they're stress related, lack-of-sleep related, hormone related, and stared-too-long-at-my-computer-screen related. When I get a migraine, I can usually point to multiple of these factors as the probable cause. The problem is that I'll also experience multiple of these factors without getting a migraine. Which means I can't predict them. Which annoys me.
I started thinking about migraine causes again what with all this newfound and renewed interest in What Is Going Into My Body. One guy told me that he stopped eating foods with hydrogenated vegetable oils in them and hasn't had a migraine in years. I researched hydrogenated vegetable oils, came into research regarding coconut oil, and subsequently added coconut oil to my diet for about four weeks, which settled some stomach problems I'd been having and had the surprising bonus effect of clearing up my skin, which had previously refused to stop being acne-covered-teenager skin.
I haven't cut out hydrogenated vegetable oils yet, so I don't know if that's a migraine factor for me. Seriously, that stuff is in all modern food. It would take a huge overhaul of my eating habits to get there, and I've learned that huge overhauls aren't sustainable with me. I need to make changes bit by bit if I want them to last. I'm moving in that direction anyway, what with my push to cut back on the amount of unknown chemicals I consciously let into my body. Maybe next year I'll be there. Or maybe I'll find that Choices take me to some other balance. We'll see.
Anyway, I decided I wanted to find out what it was in chocolate that gives me migraines, so that I could figure out if it was in all chocolate or if there did exist chocolate that I could safely eat. I learned HERE that phenylethylamine develops in the fermentation process that makes coca beans into chocolate, and it carries on in the cocoa butter. Defatted chocolate will not have phenylethylamine in it. I don't know where to get some of that, but well, other questions were raised.
That same link told me that red wines, aspartam, citric acid, and citrus concentrate contain the same chemical and that all are triggers for people who get that sort of migraine.
But...
I drink red wine.
Sometimes it gives me headaches, very rarely do I get a migraine later, but usually I have no ill effects. I don't consume aspartam because artificial sweeteners mess up my blood sugar and cause me to go into hypoglycemic fits that are also very uncomfortable, but that have nothing at all to do with migraines. Citric acid is in a lot of products, like jelly and artificially fruity flavored drinks. I don't eat a lot of that stuff, but I do eat it sometimes. I've never noticed it to cause me a migraine, but I'll pay attention in the future.
Red wine I drink often enough to know it's not so much of a trigger. Rarely ever a trigger. And usually when it is a trigger, I can point to a trifecta of stress and lack of sleep and hormones as an alternate explanation. I have suspected that certain red wines gave me headaches (not migraines), but I've never kept a chart or anything to remember which ones to avoid. The website says that different wines have different amounts of phenylethylamine. So... does that mean that I don't get phenylethylamine migraines? Or that red wine has less phenylethylamine than your average chocolate bar so that I would have to drink more than one glass to feel the effects? And what about aspartam? I experimented enough with it years back to learn of its effects on my blood sugar, but never noticed a headache corollary.
I don't quite know what to make of this information, and I haven't found any online source that tells you how much phenylethylamine is present in various things so that I could test if there is some critical amount which suddenly becomes unsafe for me. But if chocolate causes migraines, and red wine and aspartam don't, well... does chocolate really cause me migraines? Or, at the time of my previous experimentation, was I just so sleepy and stressed and hormonal that I was going to have lots of migraines anyway and they just happened to consistently coincide with my experimentation? I was still working for Sr. Angie back then, and we all remember how horrible that whole experience was.
So that comes back to Choice. Is the threat of a migraine sufficient to keep me from re-experimenting with chocolate eating? Chocolate eating would be awesome if it wasn't connected with extreme pain. But man, extreme pain is... painful.
So far, I'm keeping a balance of confusion and perplexity. Maybe one day my choice will be that I'd rather know the details of trigger amounts than avoid potential pain. But today, the choice is easy. Confusion and perplexity. And carob.
I've been thinking a lot about food over these past months. Granted, I think a lot about food all the time, since I *am* a food enthusiast and all, but still... been thinking about it in different terms lately. Part of it came from my newfound obsession with plastic packaging and ways in which I can reduce my consumption of it (though I'm nowhere near cutting it out, nowhere near at all), and part of it came from a renewed interest in the chemicals going into my body and how they affect my body and wellbeing, and part of it comes from being kinda poor but really liking to eat tasty food and subsequently coming up with good cheap tasty food I can eat. Mmm, tasty food I can eat.
I developed this philosophy a couple months back that I call The Choice Diet. It's actually a philosophy that I've lived by most of my adult life (when I've paid attention) and I only call it the Choice Diet because it is most easily related (for me) to food, though it relates to all aspects of my life. The simplest way to explain it is with the following example.
I go out to a restaurant with friends and I have a menu before me. This is my idea of heaven. All these things that I can choose from that I can eat and it'll be awesome because food is so good. I decide that there are two dishes that are really sticking out to me as top contenders, for slightly different reasons. One is the fettuccine alfredo with, well, whatever seafood or poultry or sausage. Doesn't matter. They're all good and my mouth is watering with the idea of them. This dish will be so tasty and it'll fill my belly and I'll probably clap when it arrives because I'll be so happy to indulge in its awesomeness. The other is a tofu curry with rice and vegetables. (My fantasy restaurant has both dishes). It will also taste awesome but will lack that exquisite bad-for-you-ness that makes the first dish particularly super-awesome.
You know what I'm talking about.
There's something about indulging in food that is bad for you that makes you feel good. The bad-for-you food can even be of a lesser quality than its good-for-you counterpart, but somehow it'll satisfy you more. It's something about the combination of fat and salt and sugar that just explodes through your synapses, releasing endorphins or serotonin or I dunno what... but after eating that fettuccine alfredo, all is right with the world. Tofu and vegetables will also taste very nice. It'll also make me happy, but I won't have that initial burst of enjoyment that comes with eating a super-awesome but very bad-for-you meal.
If that were the whole choice, eating well would be much more difficult. Every meal would be a choice between eating good and eating well. Every meal would be a choice between enjoyment and will power. My will power is all right, but let's face it. I'm lying. My will power is really not that great. I would eat the fettuccine alfredo at every meal. Except... that's not the whole choice.
What happens after I eat those meals will be largely different. After I eat Option A-- the super-tasty and very bad-for-you option-- is that my stomach will hurt. For hours. Hours. The whole rest of the night, probably. Even the next day I'll still feel kind of bloated and greasy. After I eat Option B-- the tasty and good-for-you option-- I'll be full until I stop feeling full, and then I'll eventually get hungry again. I'll experience no adverse effects. The meal'll probably last me the rest of the night, and even if it doesn't, I'll just grab a snack later. That whole night I'll feel just fine. The next day I'll feel just fine.
That's the choice. Option A-- feel great now, feel not-so-great later. Option B-- feel good now, feel good later. The question is, do I want to really really really enjoy this meal, OR, do I want to feel good the rest of the night?
Feel good now, or feel good later?
When do I want my gratification?
The answer isn't always the same, which is why the Choice Diet works for me. I don't care enough about looking like Angelina Jolie to exercise four hours a day or to always choose Option B. But I care enough about feeling well to go for walks, do the random sit-up, and choose Option B often enough that Option A doesn't weigh me down entirely. I don't care enough for getting wasted that I'll brave the subsequent hangover, though I'll often get tipsy, just not hangover-worthy tipsy. I don't care enough about guitar playing to practice enough to become a master. But I enjoy it enough to tinker around with it and be a truly mediocre player. I care enough about what I'm studying so that sometimes I'll go weeks without talking to people outside of my house and my department because I'm so consumed with what I'm learning. But sometimes, I'll choose Option B and veg the frig out, reading trash novels and not thinking.
The Choice Diet, to me, is the conscious consideration of What do I want, and What is it worth me doing to get it? The answer is not always the same. Therein lies the balance.
I first began to realize that I lived this way when I first became allergic to chocolate. Oh my, I love chocolate. Chocolate is the best. Chocolate contains a chemical called phenylethylamine that causes some people to get migraines. I became one of those people at age 25. I'm 26 now, so that was... four years ago. I experimented with chocolate for months because I wasn't about to take this new allergy lying down. I learned that chocolate is in nearly everything that I like, and nearly every time I eat it I get a migraine. I learned that I can eat very tiny bits with no effect. I learned that if I eat very tiny bits every day, by the end of the week, I will get a migraine. I learned that it's just easier to say I'm Allergic and not eat Any Chocolate Ever (except sometimes when I choose Option B-- tempt fate and willpower by eating tiny bits). The choices are Eat No Chocolate and Have No Chocolate-Induced Migraine, and, Super-Enjoy Me Some Chocolate and Potentially Suffer Great Pain For About A Day.
That's really not much of a choice. If you've ever had a migraine, you know that you would NEVER choose something that might cause one. I'll eat a tiny bit (less than a fingernailfull's worth) about once a year because I don't want to risk that cumulative effect that I discover way back when.
But, well, I still get migraines. I know they're stress related, lack-of-sleep related, hormone related, and stared-too-long-at-my-computer-screen related. When I get a migraine, I can usually point to multiple of these factors as the probable cause. The problem is that I'll also experience multiple of these factors without getting a migraine. Which means I can't predict them. Which annoys me.
I started thinking about migraine causes again what with all this newfound and renewed interest in What Is Going Into My Body. One guy told me that he stopped eating foods with hydrogenated vegetable oils in them and hasn't had a migraine in years. I researched hydrogenated vegetable oils, came into research regarding coconut oil, and subsequently added coconut oil to my diet for about four weeks, which settled some stomach problems I'd been having and had the surprising bonus effect of clearing up my skin, which had previously refused to stop being acne-covered-teenager skin.
I haven't cut out hydrogenated vegetable oils yet, so I don't know if that's a migraine factor for me. Seriously, that stuff is in all modern food. It would take a huge overhaul of my eating habits to get there, and I've learned that huge overhauls aren't sustainable with me. I need to make changes bit by bit if I want them to last. I'm moving in that direction anyway, what with my push to cut back on the amount of unknown chemicals I consciously let into my body. Maybe next year I'll be there. Or maybe I'll find that Choices take me to some other balance. We'll see.
Anyway, I decided I wanted to find out what it was in chocolate that gives me migraines, so that I could figure out if it was in all chocolate or if there did exist chocolate that I could safely eat. I learned HERE that phenylethylamine develops in the fermentation process that makes coca beans into chocolate, and it carries on in the cocoa butter. Defatted chocolate will not have phenylethylamine in it. I don't know where to get some of that, but well, other questions were raised.
That same link told me that red wines, aspartam, citric acid, and citrus concentrate contain the same chemical and that all are triggers for people who get that sort of migraine.
But...
I drink red wine.
Sometimes it gives me headaches, very rarely do I get a migraine later, but usually I have no ill effects. I don't consume aspartam because artificial sweeteners mess up my blood sugar and cause me to go into hypoglycemic fits that are also very uncomfortable, but that have nothing at all to do with migraines. Citric acid is in a lot of products, like jelly and artificially fruity flavored drinks. I don't eat a lot of that stuff, but I do eat it sometimes. I've never noticed it to cause me a migraine, but I'll pay attention in the future.
Red wine I drink often enough to know it's not so much of a trigger. Rarely ever a trigger. And usually when it is a trigger, I can point to a trifecta of stress and lack of sleep and hormones as an alternate explanation. I have suspected that certain red wines gave me headaches (not migraines), but I've never kept a chart or anything to remember which ones to avoid. The website says that different wines have different amounts of phenylethylamine. So... does that mean that I don't get phenylethylamine migraines? Or that red wine has less phenylethylamine than your average chocolate bar so that I would have to drink more than one glass to feel the effects? And what about aspartam? I experimented enough with it years back to learn of its effects on my blood sugar, but never noticed a headache corollary.
I don't quite know what to make of this information, and I haven't found any online source that tells you how much phenylethylamine is present in various things so that I could test if there is some critical amount which suddenly becomes unsafe for me. But if chocolate causes migraines, and red wine and aspartam don't, well... does chocolate really cause me migraines? Or, at the time of my previous experimentation, was I just so sleepy and stressed and hormonal that I was going to have lots of migraines anyway and they just happened to consistently coincide with my experimentation? I was still working for Sr. Angie back then, and we all remember how horrible that whole experience was.
So that comes back to Choice. Is the threat of a migraine sufficient to keep me from re-experimenting with chocolate eating? Chocolate eating would be awesome if it wasn't connected with extreme pain. But man, extreme pain is... painful.
So far, I'm keeping a balance of confusion and perplexity. Maybe one day my choice will be that I'd rather know the details of trigger amounts than avoid potential pain. But today, the choice is easy. Confusion and perplexity. And carob.
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