I simply cannot describe the giddy relief that I am feeling at this news. I honestly didn't expect it. It seemed too much of a coincidence. Eff yeah for coincidences!!!
Michael helped me stay calm up until the appointment when we found out. All day Thursday he emailed me pictures of cute animals, forcing in little pockets of happiness into my day. On Friday morning I went to volunteer at the Humane Society and he came with me, helped me clean out the bunny and guinea pig cages, helped me pet small furry animals and take care of puppies. It was storming, thunder and lightning, and sometimes the puppies around us would freak out a bit so we'd go and reassure them. Animals are good for the soul. They made the morning pass easily.
When we walked into the genetics counselor's office, she said, "Well, I have some good news for you." And I thought, "Good news about what?" because it didn't seem possible that good news could be related to this. But it was good news related to this.
As we left, I admitted to Michael that I hadn't expected this outcome, that I thought it would be too much of a coincidence. He admitted that he had thought the same thing. We hadn't told each other, because sometimes you just have to pretend there's hope, even when there's not.
Crazy happy joy.
It was amazing when I got home. Life had opened up before me. The paralysis left me immediately. I thought, 'I need to make plans. I need to make lists. So much to do!'
I keep a note pad on my desk, and every day I write in 3 to 4 things to accomplish today. Sometimes I write in more longterm tasks. But I always have a list of things to do. Six weeks ago, the lists stopped. I still did things, sometimes, but mostly I did nothing because there was no way to know what to plan for. I was stunted.
Within hours of getting home, the list was back. Tasks. Plans. Goals. Things to do. Today. Next week. This summer. This year. I took a moment to think to myself (this time my thoughts were spoken in Gina's voice), "Kati, only you would celebrate this by working on grad school things." But it was wonderful. I had a sense of purpose again. I thought, "I'm back."
In the afterglow of this huge relief, I feel something like gratitude. Something like gratitude squared. Something like an all-encompassing thankfulness for my life and everything about it. Because these are some things I learned this month:
* I have an amazing support network in my life. Seriously, so many people stepped up to the plate, including people I would never have expected to feel responsible for stepping up. People really took care of my spiritual and emotional needs through this. I was on probably two dozen prayer lists, not to mention people praying singly. People did nice things for me, said kind words to me, listened to me fret and cried with me and drank with me and distracted me and really, really took care of me. My friends and family are amazing. I get why people send casseroles and flowers and cards that say Thinking Of You. This is why.
* I have the best husband in the world. Which I already knew. But he has been here with me, for me, daily, constantly, throughout this. I couldn't have asked for more. As always, Michael has taken care of me. We got through this together. Once again, the importance of Being There.
* I needed a break from school. Taking a few weeks off from doing things, especially while under the belief that it was the first few weeks of a year off that I didn't want, was exactly what I needed. And I never would have taken a break except for this. But now I have a reprieve from a forced hiatus. Now I get to come back, just like I wanted to come back. I felt burnt out a lot this past semester. This past year. But now I am ready to go. I will do all the things. And I will graduate next year. And it will be amazing.
* And finally, work hard. But play hard. Being with people is very important. Getting my stuff done is also important. Both of these things are important. I'm gonna do these things.
I know in the future, and possibly soon, the stress and the daily tediums and worries and problems will take back over. But for now, I have such gratitude. Right now, I feel full of life. And if there is anything I've learned this past month, it's to take what you got and run with it. Because you just don't know what tomorrow holds.
Is that trite? Who cares. :D
No comments:
Post a Comment