The New Year

I could look up my resolutions for 2010. It was a plan, really. Ten things for 2010 that I wanted to accomplish. That I set out to do. If I remember correctly, the last item on the list was to lose the list. That’s usually my last item, so I don’t have to feel bad about failing to accomplish all the things on the list that I failed to accomplish. But I published this list on my blog, so anyone who’s interested in checking out what I haven’t done is free to go and do so. I can give you a more-or-less hot skinny here.

What I didn’t do:

I never did hot yoga with Leslie. I exercised a lot this year, though not so much in the last months. I stretched and went to a chiropractor and stopped getting daily headaches and I had my first Swedish massage and it was wonderful. But I never did hot yoga. But, one of the major reasons for that goal was to spend more time with Leslie, and we did go to a heaping bunch of farmers’ markets at Kapiolani Community College. So I did that.

I didn’t publish two peer-reviewed papers. Though maybe it counts anyway. I’ve submitted one for publication, and there was this other one that was accepted at a conference that possibly publishes a journal thingy. I’m not real clear on this one. I’m also not too worried about it. Working on another paper for submission in the coming weeks, so there’s stuff ongoing.

I didn’t go hiking every month. I have regretted this every month. I went on a hike one year ago today. And not again. I went on a lot of walks. But I never again ventured into wild nature. I’m gonna go ahead and put that into my plan again for this year, because I’d sure like to do that.

I didn’t write a book. But I did write about six chapters of a book (one of which was cut), including a pretty long stint of writing a page every day. I worked on the same book all year long. I’m gonna put this into my plan again as well.

What I did do:

I read 50 articles/chapters a week for four months straight.

I finished my major Comprehensive exams.

I finished my minor Comprehensive papers.

I wrote a small grant to take me to Tuvalu to write my dissertation proposal on site, successfully.

I went to Tuvalu and wrote my dissertation proposal on site.

I went to Tuvalu and found more family members I never knew I’d have.

I drove around Fiji one day.

I defended my proposal.

I applied for a grant and a fellowship to cover my extremely high dissertation expenses.

I got a new job at an international research institution working on climate change.

I went to the International Community Psychology conference in Puebla, Mexico.

I went to the Northwestern ECO Conference in Portland, Oregon.

I went to the Pacific Rim Conference on Disabilities in Honolulu, Hawai`i.

I presented at all of those.

I went to the Honolulu Psychological Association conference in Honolulu, Hawai`i.

I didn’t present there, but I did sing some songs.

I went to my friends’ wedding and sang the song I wrote for them.

I missed my other friends’ wedding, but I’m very happy they are so happy together.

I went to my uncle’s archbishopification in Seattle, Washington.

I saw my friend say mass and I cried at the beauty of it.

While, clearly as mentioned above, I did not accomplish everything I set out to accomplish, I feel like I have. I applied myself with tenacity, baseless optimism, and unreasonable scheduling. I spent most of the Spring semester thinking it was impossible to complete my Comps by early May. But I did. I went to Tuvalu thinking it was impossible to meet with everyone I’d like to meet with and develop a proposal in two weeks. But I did. I spent most of the Fall semester thinking it was impossible to complete my minor Comps, my coursework, my new job demands, my fellowship and grant applications, and defend my dissertation proposal by early December. But I did.

To be perfectly honest, even though there are plenty of things that I didn’t do last year, I’m feeling pretty full of myself and my ability to get things done. I’m looking forward into my academic and research goals for the next year, and feeling pretty confident that barring major problems (which unfortunately seem to be par for the course with dissertation research), I can actually do this on my timeline. And then I’ll go out and get hired somewhere and my career will be off and I’ll be able to do all the good in the world that I came here to learn how to do. I’m always waiting for the hurdle I can’t make, and I know it is somewhere up ahead. But I’m feeling pretty good about myself that I made all the hurdles I set for myself this past year. I feel really good about that.

But.

I went to a labyrinth last night. Middle Tennessee is always a spiritual place for me. My spiritual people are here—the people from my own personal spirituality. In Memphis and in Chicago I have my Catholic spiritual people and history. In middle Tennessee, I have my own. I went to the labyrinth and in the first prayer/meditation station I was asked to consider my spiritual life from this last year. And really, I don’t much have one. I have avoided spirituality for the most part, just like I have avoided other impractical things.

And let me explain what I mean by impractical. This was the year of practice for me. In 2010, I had so many practical things to do. So much daily tedium. So many major goals broken into weekly or daily or hourly steps of things that I must do now in order to do these other things tomorrow in order to do these other things next week in order to make this other thing happen in three months. I haven’t had much of a social life, though I did manage to schedule in (yes, into my hourly steps) a few awesome social happenings. I gladly sacrificed social fun for the fun of getting my stuff done. It’s a heady feeling, and it’s also what I’m here for.

I rarely went out with my friends. Even more seldom did I go to church. And even less frequently than that did I have any of my own spiritual experiences. 2010 was not the year for such things. 2010 was the year to get my stuff done.

In 2011, I’m going to teach for the first time (provided my classes don’t get cut). In 2011, I’m going to do my dissertation research (provided I get funding). In 2011, I’m going to start analyzing and writing my dissertation. I feel like here, 2011, this is my first tentative steps into my career as I want it to be. This is what I was working so hard last year to get to. This here is the beginning. And I want to do that right.

My career is not just a career. It was never that for me. I came here from Chicago in order to get training to do some good in the world. To learn how to stand better against the awesome swell of wrongness in the world so that I can work on making some things right. My career is not a paycheck, or a comfortable life (though, God help me, I am really feeling the pull of that). My career is my mission in paycheck form. My career is the extension of that goal I developed when I was 14 and sitting at the dinner table in Saltillo, Mexico, slammed bodily with the truth that all I ever want to do with my life is to minister to people, to fulfill spiritual and physical needs with love and service. I was so filled with my mission to save the world. I have sought to fulfill that mission in so many ways in my life, and my career is only one more way. I want to help people. I want to make the world a better place. I want to see those who are ignored by others and I want to do for them as no one else has done.

2010 was not a year for that, because in 2010 I had to get my stuff done. Now in 2011, I begin to turn my focus outward again. And to be honest, I’m not entirely sure just where I stand any longer. So that’s what I need to do, as I take these first shaking baby steps out into the rest of my life, setting the direction for the person I want to be, I need to figure out how to be that person in full. Tenacious and hardworking, goal-driven and effective, but also open with heart and spirit and guided by my mission. 2011 is the year to tie all these pieces together. And that is such an elusive and poorly defined goal that I’m not making a list. This isn’t a thing to do. This is a person to be.