Discipline, Week One.

For the record, discipline sucks.

My mom said, "Yeah, discipline is one of those things that it's really good that you have it, but you don't ever really want to use it." Truer words were never spoken. I'm glad I can be disciplined. I think I can pull it off pretty well. And I think I'll make it through this semester, through my Comps, just fine. "Just fine", of course, being a relative term.

I realized when I mapped out my Comps reading that I was going to have to be very disciplined this semester. A sustained effort of discipline. I've done this before. My last semester of undergrad, I mapped out my 22 hours of classes during the first week. I sat down with the syllabuses and scheduled every hour of the semester for homework, readings, and projects. On Jan 17, I could tell you what I would be doing on April 17 at 3:00pm. I made it through.

I also spent this last summer attached to my computer while I wrote my thesis. I made it through. But also, I started having back problems, I believe associated with my newfound sedentary lifestyle.

Me, sedentary? Who'd a thought it? But no, here I am.

Part of my Ten Goals for 2010 is my desire to get my stuff done but also have a good quality of life. Meaning, I want to finish my Comps and get going on my dissertation, but I also want to be in a good mood, and I also want my body to not hurt, and I also want to not get sick a lot like I did this past fall.

This week I began my default schedule. Work four hours every morning, head to my grad student office and read four hours before going home. It worked pretty well, in the sense that I got my scheduled readings done (and a few extra on top of that), I got my work done so I'll still get paid, and also I had the evenings pretty well free to do all of those fun things that should ensure I get a well-balanced life out of this disciplined mess. I wrote fiction. I worked on my professional writings. I spent time with my boy. I skipped the poetry slam with Leslie and I wish I hadn't, but I did go out for many beers with the ladies from work last night. So I should feel well-balanced and successful. But actually, I spent most of this week feeling tired and cranky.

I hate being in a bad mood, especially because I know how moods affect those around you. I kept trying to smile and force happiness and achievement into my emotions, but I just wanted to complain about things. I won't keep doing this. I just... I refuse. I want my home life and my work life to be happy places, where we stress sometimes but are basically in a good mood as we support each other through getting our stuff done. This is what I value. This is what I want.

The big question, therefore, is whether I'm so tired and cranky because I just need to build up some work/study stamina to match my disciplined schedule, or, if I'm so tired and cranky because I've created a disciplined schedule that is inherently unhealthy.

There is no answer to this big question, at least, not one that I can give with any certainty at this moment. If it's only a matter of stamina, I won't know for a few weeks while I build that up. But I'm not really willing, I've decided, to take the risk that I'll be making myself unhealthy while building up that stamina. So I've got to alter and adjust as I go through.

Discipline, Week Two is going to include a fitness center break in the middle of the day. Between work and reading, I'm gonna go to the gym on campus, break up the sedentariness of my day with (hopefully) a bit of an endorphin kick. We'll see how this goes. It would mean a 9:00-6:00 day instead of a 9:00-5:00 day, but I'm thinking that hour of physical activity in the middle will give me some positive outcomes. I'm hoping, anyway. I hate being cranky.

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Other Ten for 2010 updates: Comps is on schedule. I've chosen which book I'm going to write this year. I've submitted proposals to two conferences. I've eaten fruit and/or vegetables with maybe 8/10 meals. Haven't gone to hot yoga yet, but we've got plans for it. Have gone out or over to friends' houses for fun and chatting and alcohol a couple of times. So far, so good.