Plan B

I was starting to get pretty anxious about the timeline for my thesis. The lit review I'm working on was growing into an increasingly unmanageable beast of information. The larger it grew, the longer it took. I wanted it to be done weeks ago. Maybe I'll finish it this weekend. Maybe.

This past week was particularly bad for my anxiety. Like every week, I wanted my lit review to get finished, and despite long hours and late nights it was looking less and less likely that it would get there. And then it didn't.

Of course, you know me. Busy, anxious, my brain turned on. It's always a great time for creativity and getting things done... except that the anxiety part was getting to me. I kept thinking, 'I really, really, really want to stick to this timeline I've created for myself.' And I realized they were arbitrary deadlines, but they were MY arbitrary deadlines, damnit, and I wanted to get my stuff done by them. So when the lit review kept stretching on weeks beyond its arbitrary deadlineness, I was not happy.

I didn't get much sleep this week. I'd lay down with my brain on, thinking over all the things that weren't done that I wanted to be done and all the things I could do and options I had and deadlines that had passed and... stayed awake. It culminated Wednesday when I wound up only getting three hours of sleep because I just couldn't get my thoughts to rest. I did get a lot done that night, though, getting up every other hour to do something because I felt like I was wasting time just laying there.

On Thursday I had my classes, but most importantly, I had my weekly advisory meeting. And the good news is that Andrew, my co-advisee, has finished his thesis! I was so happy for that. That in and of itself was like a pep talk for me. It can get done. It will get finished. Happy days will come. But even better, I talked over my concerns with Cliff and Andrew about how hard I was working but still couldn't hit the deadlines I wanted to impose on myself.

So Cliff -- my brilliant, brilliant advisor -- says two things to me. First, he goes over the timeline for the rest of the semester and points out that my goals can still be met. AND THEN he says that if I don't make those goals, we'll go to Plan B. He lays out another timeline, which, honestly, is also perfectly acceptable.

Plan B, I thought. "Plan B". Plan B, Plan B, Plan B. I really liked the sound of that. "Plan B" is an option. It's what you do when Plan A doesn't work out. Plan B is just fine.

I realized at that point that I was thinking in terms of "Meeting My Deadlines or Failure To Meet My Deadlines." That's not a rational framework, and in my own defense, it wasn't even a conscious framework. My conscious framework was "I really, really, really want to make these goals." But Cliff, my impressive and insightful advisor, reframed my approach to Plan A or Plan B. And I'm sure there's a Plan C waiting in the wings if need be.

The incredible thing is that when he uttered that magic phrase "Plan B", all of my anxieties melted away. I'm no longer struggling against possible failure, and it turned out that that was all I needed. Looking at what I have left to get done, I think my Plan A is still perfectly viable. I think I can still Propose this spring, and data collect this summer. And if not, I can still probably manage to get my Masters done by summer next year, even if I go the Plan B route.

So that's my lesson for the week. Whenever possible, have a Plan B. It's not so great when failure is your option.