Ten Goals for 2010

Yeah, we all make resolutions, and yeah, we mostly fail in delivering on them. That may very well wind up being the case with these as well. But the whole point of making resolutions is to admit to yourself that you’re not where exactly you want to be, or at the very least, you’re not now where you want to be one year from now. The whole point of resolutions is to think about ways you can improve your life and improve your wellbeing.

I don’t personally believe in resolutions that will make you miserable (i.e., I will lose ten pounds or else I’m a worthless fat slob) because whether or not your meet your goal, you still lose. I think resolutions ought to be things that you want to strive for, for multiple reasons. Good reasons. Reasons that make you happy (i.e., I’ll eat better and then I’ll probably feel better). This way, you find ways to go about meeting your resolutions that make you happy. Means and end both = win.

My ten goals for 2010 are all about things that I want to do. Things that I enjoy doing. Things that I want to do more of. Things that I want to complete. Things that will make me happy, both in the means, and in the end. Whether these goals pile into the massive pile of undelivered promises to oneself, or build neatly into the structure of my evolving life, the motives and efforts behind these goals will increase my happiness and wellbeing. Or if not, eh. Screw ‘em anyway.

#1. Eat healthier.

This is a tricky goal, a common goal, and a commonly unmet goal followed by massive amounts of guilt—why can’t I just eat better? And no, I’m not really talking about me. I see this everywhere, hear this story from everyone. Americans are getting fatter as our food gets more and more crap. We want to eat better, but there are all these tantalizing commercials for tastiness, and ooh! just this once won’t hurt. But then the standard is set and just this once becomes the norm. I know how it is.

The trick for me this year will be to take on a new ‘healthier eating’ challenge each month. I’ll look at my diet, see what improvements I can (and want to) make, and then I’ll focus on that one thing for a month, normalizing a positive change. Right now? I really want to increase my fruit and veggie intake. So that’s my January challenge, to spend the month just trying to add more fruits and veggies into my belly. Twelve steps to healthier eating and all that.

#2. Write a book.

I easily have a half dozen books that are formed enough that I know the whole story. I can tell you the whole story. Why haven’t I written down the whole damned story? So I wanna do that. Tell the whole damned story. My goal is to choose one of these tales (or a new one if I am so inclined), and write it. I have two days before 2010 to pick. Then I’ll have the goal. After that, I just need the sustained resolution to make it happen. I really want to do this. I really want to try.

#3. First author two journal articles to be submitted to peer-reviewed journals.

This goal is easier than it sounds, I think. One article I already know can be used to meet a requirement for my Minor Comprehensive Papers, which I would like to complete during Summer 2010. Another I have been working on with my job off and on for a number of months. We just need to get it done, is all. This goal would be a good thing for my career development, and also I think it would be neat.

#4. Take Comps in the Spring, and complete Minor Comps in the Summer.

I will do these things regardless. They are required before I can get on with my dissertation research. The goal is the timeline. It’s a tough timeline, but a doable one I believe. So that is my goal. I’ve set this timeline as a kickstart to a longer timeline that will get me done with my PhD in 2012. Comps are scary and it’s gonna be hard, but I’ve decided that that’s all the more reason to throw myself into it and meet this challenge head on.

#5. Also walk away from my computer from time to time.

In the literal sense of ‘walking away.’ I’m ready to start hiking. I want to hike some of these beautiful trails on Oahu. Spend time connecting with the outdoors, decompressing from school and work and what have you. I’ve realized recently that it’s just in my nature to want to be out in nature. I shouldn’t deny myself that. Nor should I deny myself writing, because that too is in my nature. But I need some balance. I’m thinking a daylong hike every month. Any walks/ bike rides/ other outdoorsy excursions beyond that is cake. A daylong hike every month will take resolution and effort, but would improve my wellbeing. And therein lies the goal.

#6. Make contacts in Tuvalu for my dissertation.

I’m giving myself 2010 to figure out what exactly I want to do for my dissertation (get my proposal together, hopefully find some funding). It may not even wind up being in Tuvalu. I’ve found potential contacts on the internet, organizations that I think would be interested and willing to be involved in this sort of research. But I need to figure out what exactly I want to do, write some things up, and connect with people. I want to do all the prep work in 2010 so that I can walk in with more ease in 2011. I really want to do international research for my dissertation, and the threat of sea level rises to small island nations has touched my heart. So if I want to do this, and I do, these are the steps I need to take this year. So I must not get distracted by the every other things going on.

#7. Present at 2 or 3 conferences.

One is already in the bag. I’ll be presenting at PacRim again this year. Finding/ proposing/ being accepted/ getting to the other one or two will be the goal. And really, I love presenting at conferences so this will be great fun for me. As I’ve mentioned before, I love public speaking. It’s mingling that I fear. Cocktail parties and the like. But this’ll be a fun goal, I mostly just need to remember to do it before the year runs out.

#8. Hot yoga.

Leslie and I started talking about this recently, and I say we go for it. Once a week or two weeks, whatever we can fit into our schedule. I think that is a good idea. The cost isn’t so bad and I got the GSO executive council stipend to back up my lack of guilt for spending a bit of money on this thing. Also, yoga is good for one’s soul. I hear that hot yoga makes your body feel all nice and loose and detoxed. And also good for one’s soul is to go out and do something cool and relaxing with friends.

#9. Go out with my friends.

Even when I get terribly busy and stressed out, I must remember that it is okay to take a few hours out of my schedule to go chill out with people I like and have some fun. Michael and I are both poor and cheap, and plus I’m tired after working all week. Watching a movie at home is easier, but going out with people, or hey having people over, is much more beneficial.

#10. Lose this list.

Which might be a bit difficult since I’ll be posting it on my blog at New Year’s and then probably writing updates about it all year long. But I always try to end each to-do list with a ‘lose this list’ line item so that I don’t feel too bad if I fail to complete everything I set out to complete. Or anything I set out to complete. Or, if I do complete everything, best not to get too cocky about it.

2009 had some ups and had some downs, but it ended on a powerful strong high note and I’m feeling quite optimistic about the things to come. I’m hopeful for a good 2010, and I’m all set to take care of myself as I push forward with all of my goals.

The Problem with Reality Shows

Ah, reality shows. I don't know most of you, and my surprise is beginning to dwindle at that fact. There are reality shows about everything and everyone these days. It seems everyone can be, or has been, famous. There once was a time when reality shows were novel, and they were kinda cool because if nothing else you got to watch them (or hear about them) and then feel immensely better about yourself and your life because, hey, at least you don't act like/ have the problems of that loser.

But then.

Reality shows have officially taken off. And let's be honest with yourself, Kati, this probably happened years ago while you were busy noticing other things. But right now, you're noticing reality shows and a terrible thought has struck you. You know the problem with reality shows, me. Oh, you know.

Back in the day, there was a smug feeling you got when comparing yourself to these nouveau riche, I mean 'nouveau famous' people. We as Americans sat back and watched these reality show "stars" with high levels of satisfaction, coupled with low levels of embarrassment that, because these guys are on TV and we're not, THESE GUYS are part of the standard by which the rest of the world views us, and not us.

The Problem, Part I is that back then there was this WHOLE OTHER section of America watching the same shows and thinking, Ah, here's my chance. This whole other section of America went right out and got their own show, leading us to

The Problem, Part II. Back in the day reality shows were full of young, poor-ish, drunk 20 somethings acting like damn fools for various reasons. These days, reality shows are full of everyone-- rich, poor, posh, gansta, all genres of "stars", all backgrounds, all motives, all styles, all ages. Reality shows these days actually do represent a pretty fair cross section of America. This is a problem, and I'll tell you why.

Marketing. Advertisements, television, movies, media in general. They have a long history in this country of simulating reality in such a way as to usurp what is real and what is good with something that seems like it's real and good but is slightly cooler and also makes some people a lot of money. These media are part of our culture, and they guide is in what we want/buy/do.

Enter into this cultural norm Reality Shows, in which so much of America is very nearly represented. The difference between them and us is that on Reality TV the goal is to be as outlandish, loud, attention-drawing, trashy, and self-involved as possible so that everyone is looking directly at you all the time. Reality TV is a warped version of real reality. Unfortunately, because it so nearly represents so many of us, Reality TV has become normalized. People begin to think that in real reality, they're supposed to act like they do in Reality Shows.

It's not quite so standard to sit back and watch, all smug and embarrassed. Instead we look to Reality Shows the way we look to the rest of the marketing machine to find out what we ought to do and think and buy.

Personally, I'm hoping that in a few weeks, I'll stop feeling so shocked and sad and bitter at this normalizing effect of reality shows on real people. I'm hoping I'll forget how many, many reality shows there are because they will no longer be nearly representing pieces of my world. I'm hoping that I'll find myself less focused on people who want a piece of that action, and refocused on people who bask in smugness and embarrassment.

You know. Real people.

Recovering/Brushing

So, I've had the flu (or a flu-like illness) this past week. Good news is that it seems mostly to be over. Bad news is I'm weak as hell after spending six days in bed, and not really being able to eat three of those days. :( It's gonna take awhile to get my strength back up so I don't feel I need to go lay down after doing... well, anything.

Bleh. This stuff sucks.

The upshot is that a week in bed was possibly good for my aching back-- we'll see after I've stopped taking flu-painkillers and start moving around again. Also I've started a six week back-pain-be-gone system, which, with continued use over the years, took away my adviser's wife's back pain for these past couple decades. I'm hopeful.

But the important thing to note today is that my hair is long. Yes, officially, my hair is long. I got out of the shower and looked into the mirror as it dripped down my back and I thought briefly, 'I'm never going to be able to brush this by myself. I'm way too weak.'

The thing was, that's an old thought resurfacing unexpectedly from the last time my hair was long back in Chicago. When I wasn't feeling well or when I'd had a tiring day or something, my arms would wear out trying to brush out the tangles after a wash-- that, even with the two handfuls of conditioner slathered through. And when I say my arms would wear out, I mean that sometimes I would get about halfway through and ask Michael to do the rest because he would just have to reach forward and brush, whereas I would have to spend extended periods of times contorted into strange hair brushing positions in order to run the brush through the full length of it. It was tiring.

But that was then.

I've been doing the baking soda rinse wash / vinegar rinse condition now for about a year and a half. My hair was chin length when I started this. But now, now it is long. And now that it is long, here are the problems with the baking soda/vinegar thing:

1) My hair loses its body if I wash too many consecutive times with too much baking soda and vinegar. A couple times yields no change in the light curly bounce, but four or five times and it starts to get flat.

2)

No, it's really just the one thing. And that can be rectified by either waiting a couple days to wash again (ponytail days) (but let's be frank, most days are ponytail days anyway) or by just being careful not to use too much during the next few washes.

When I had short hair and started using baking soda and vinegar instead of shampoo and conditioner, it started taking only six brush strokes to brush out my hair after a shower rather than then [many] that it took before. Now that I have long hair, it still only takes six brush strokes to brush out my hair after a shower.

So when I looked in the mirror today and saw all that wet hair, and the thought of brushing it filled me with dread for the enormous amount of strength it would take to accomplish that feat, it was only momentary. Because then I realized that my hair doesn't knot the way it used to when I used shampoo. And even in my post-flu weakened state, I could still brush my hair all on my own.

And that made me happy. Just wanted to share.

Academically speaking,

One of the cool things about being in a field that I love and am continuously more interested in is that I get to meet lots of people who are really neat. Most every time a new class begins, we go around and introduce ourselves, our lives, our studies, and I think, "Wow, these people are all really interesting. I'm looking forward to sharing this class with them."

I started my first class toward becoming certified in Disaster Management and Humanitarian Assistance (DMHA) a couple weeks back, and as we went around the room, my thoughts were more along the lines of, "Holy shit, every single person in this class is waaaay cooler than me!" It's a large class, and as such there hasn't yet been much discussion around the table, but I am really, really, really looking forward to it when it does happen.

We have the lady who worked with Bosnian refugees. We have the guy who directed a disaster refugee program in Indonesia. We have the lady who studies lava flow on the moon. No, really. That's what she does.

This class also promises to be cool (outside of its own right of being really cool because I'm interested in learning more on the subject) in two ways:

1) the professors are pretty awesome, and except for being from an Urban Planning background as opposed to a psychology/social sciences background, my research and life interests are pretty well entangled with the research and careers of these two professors. I can't wait to learn everything from both of them.

2) the Urban Planning department was just named a national center for disaster management training (the official title is very similar to those words, but I don't remember them exactly or else I'd have capitalized). I mean, it was very very recently named a national center for training. So our final project in this class was changed from research paper to... create a training program that will address a need in DMHA. Dr. Kim said, "So, this project is exploitative in nature because we're using you all for ideas for training programs, but on the other side is that if you have a really good idea we might be able to hire you in the spring to further develop and implement it."

Of course, in that moment my goal became to create a project that they'll want to develop and implement. I honestly have no idea how reasonable a goal that is, given that this is my first foray into the field, but no point not shooting for it, right?

I also don't know how exactly all of this fits together for my long-term plans, although it seems as though it could come together quite cohesively.

My Plan As It Stands Now:

1) Get a Masters in December. This entails revising and defending my thesis before October ends, which I believe is doable. I finished my first draft a couple weeks back, did some edits, sent it off to my adviser, and just received it back yesterday. He had some really good suggestions, including two things that I knew I had left out and needed to figure out how to add but hadn't figured out how to add, and some other things that I agree will greatly improve the overall work. And a whole bunch of grammar and APA stuff.

2) Start my DMHA certificate. I figured now was a good time, because I want to be developing my dissertation proposal over the next year, and knowledge from this certificate will really help me in that. My Cultural Community Psychology adviser agreed that was a good idea, and my brand spanking new DMHA Certificate adviser (Dr. Kim) also agreed and seemed to think my interests aligned well into the program.

3) Complete my major comprehensive exams in the spring. I've been scared of these for awhile, but I've had the great fortune of watching Andrew, who is also in Cliff's lab, go through Comps last semester. He gave me great tips for survival, explained to me how it works and what it's like, and generally gave me a realistic point of view. I can do Comps in the spring. I'm pretty confident of this.

4) Complete my minor comprehensive papers in the spring and summer of 2010. They're designed, it turns out, so that you can use them as building blocks for your dissertation research, I guess in many if not all cases. So that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to use my minor papers as research opportunities and dissertation-building opportunities.

5) Also use my classes as dissertation-building opportunities. Over the next year, I'm going to try and take classes that I'll be able to use toward that goal.

I feel much more directed now. There's room in that plan for things/times/research/goals to change, but at least I have a good idea what to shoot for. Also, I don't know what all will happen with work. I've pretty well decided that unless I'm able to get in on a grant that is directly related to my dissertation research, I'm going to stick with the job I have. Because I'm invested in it. I'd be really sad to not see it through, although if I have the opportunity to have a job that will pay me to do my dissertation research, well. That would be pretty awesome.

But for now, I'm gonna have breakfast. Because it's closing in on 11am and I haven't done that yet. The rest of my plans can wait.

one last goodbye.

Hello,

So, blog, it's not that I've been avoiding you per se. I just didn't know what to write about. Well, I take that back. I did know what to write about. So many things have been happening, and any one of them are blog worthy. All of them, in fact. But by writing about them, I'm not writing about the thing that, well, I didn't know how to write about.

But it's gone on long enough. I can't keep avoiding this. Life is passing me by and none of it is getting recorded for posterity and friends' amusement. So let's do this thing. Let's do this.

I had a great dream the other night. And I woke up sad. I fell back to sleep and had another great dream. And again I woke up sad. The alarm was going off this time, and so I whispered to the world, "Goodbye, Duke," and I got out of bed and rejoined reality.

In reality, Duke killed himself last month. In my dream, he had faked his death. He was still intending to do himself in, but that time was faked. He came to Hawaii, just showed up in our lives, still alive, and said it wasn't for good, he was still going to kill himself, but he wanted to come say goodbye first. And so we got to say goodbye.

In my first dream, we talked, all of us. People from every part of my life were there, drifting in an out. I sat with Duke and we talked of childhood trauma that we have in common, him worseso than me, but I get it. And we talked about that. And he said he never knew, and he was glad to know there was someone else out there who got it.

In reality, Duke's villain was his dad. We had talked about it once. His dad had, apropos nothing, decided that he had done Duke a great favor by being a sick psychotic bastard asshole fuckface to Duke; had done well by his son by doing what he'd done. Because Duke suffered. And he understood life. And he became an artist.

In reality, one of my villains was Ed, my ex, who had also come to a similar conclusion that he had done well by me by doing what he'd done. Because I'm not so naive anymore. Because I came out of our relationship worse for wear, but became stronger eventually, and that was all because of him.

It's like that song by one of those blond girls (I get them all confused), where she thanks her abuser because now she's stronger, now she's a fighter.

But that's all bullshit, and I hate that song because it's all bullshit. Blond girl's abuser didn't make her a fighter. Ed didn't make me stronger. Duke's dad didn't make him an artist. They only made us hurt. We're the ones who made us who we are. We're the ones who took the shit others gave us and figured out a way not to be trampled entirely. Those bastards deserve no credit for doing what they've done. They shouldn't have done it.

I told Duke this, in reality, at the time of our conversation. But in my dream, we talked about the abuse. We didn't talk about prevailing, about become strong artist fighters. We talked about surviving. In my dream, we sat together and understood each other. In my dream, he and Michael walked off together to talk alone, and I sat there for a long time, wondering when they would come back, what they were talking about, and if Duke was still going to die.

And I woke up, and he was still dead. And I missed him entirely. And I never got to say goodbye.

Duke was our best man. He was there that night I swallowed my fear and called the green-haired boy at Taco Bell and asked him out. He was there with us as we fell in love. He and Michael went on that night, and Duke told Michael that I was the one who would save him. Duke was there at the Red Rose coffee shop that first night of early labor before Ian was born. He stood with us in the park where we got married. He stayed with us before we left Murfreesboro for Chicago, glad we were going but not really willing to let Michael go. He came to us in Chicago. I always thought he would appear in Hawaii one day, just show up on our doorstep and be here.

The day before our 8th anniversary, we found out. His friends held a memorial for him at the park where we got married. And we stood there and remembered.

So goodbye, Duke. I'm so sorry that life wasn't better to you. And I'm sorry if you needed someone to be there and I wasn't. And I'm sorry that I'm saying this to my blog, and not to you. We miss you a lot. So many of us do. Rest, now that the pain is over. Be well, my friend.

"Social Services" if you can call it that

I was having a beer with a German lady, and we talked of many things. And because I was I and she was she, we wound up on the topic of the poor, and she included in her sentence the fragment:

German lady: ...and your "social services", if you can call it that...

Which made me smile. And I noted how I liked that she made sure to put finger quotes around "social services", and that I liked it because it is rare that I get to talk to someone who thinks that we, in fact, do not go above and beyond in taking care of our people.

She said, "Yeah, like, there is a lady in a van who came and parked outside of my house. And she has six cats. And it's not very sanitary because the litter box is in the van, and she lives there with the cats. She's been there for about two months."

And I, with my American brain, kept waiting for her to get to the point in the story in which she called the police but they never came to remove her, and then I would say how sad it was that that was her only option, to live in a van with her cats... because that's the way these conversations usually go when I talk to people about such things.

But that point about calling the police never came. The point was that the lady lived in a van with her cats.

My friend continued, "And I wonder about what brought her to living that way, and it's hard to believe that there's nobody to help her." No social services, sans finger quotes, to help this lady have a better life than living in a van with six cats.

"But you all," Americans, she means, "Are used to it because it is what you see all the time."

And she shook her head, because she is not used to it at all.

on Reverse Fall and Slow Bruising

We find ourselves in the earlier stages of Reverse Fall. Reverse Fall is that time in Hawai`i, beginning around my birthday, in which the weather becomes so hot and dry that all of the greenery shrivels and dies. Grass dries out to brittle crunchy shards. Leaves drop and litter my driveway in inches thick carpet. Diamond Head changes color in entirety from luscious green to tumbleweed brown. And plus it becomes 90 in parts of Honolulu, including my part. Today's Weather is wrong!

What I have to look forward to is Reverse Spring. Sometime around Halloween and Thanksgiving, the temps begin to cool, the rains begin to fall, and everything becomes green again. Winter here is rainy and sometimes stormy, and now that I've been here two years -- cold.

I like them both in ways, the hot and the cold. The hot because I don't have to wear so much clothes, the cold because my laptop doesn't overheat, and plus sunscreen is less an immediate necessity.

I carry an umbrella year round, protecting from sun after Reverse Fall begins and protecting from rain after Reverse Spring. Summer also mean sunscreen if I go outside for anything, even to walk to the grocery store. When I decorated my Wonder Woman Filing Cabinet:





(Previously, it was a rusted out metal filing cabinet a la Mimi's office at St. Paul Elementary which my adviser had had in his basement storage for upwards of three centuries, but kindly dedicated to the cause of my organization.)

I put sunscreen on my shoulders and face, but failed to anticipate that the back of my shirt would ride up a little bit as I bent over the 70sriffic tank of office furniture on my lanai, and now I have a stripe of brown across my lower back. I had gotten a touch of pink on my shoulders, and complained to Michael that the sunscreen hadn't done much. Then I showered and saw the gash of lobster red at my shirt line, and took it all back.

Go sunscreen.

This week I've mostly been indoors. Work was quite busy at the beginning as I finished a report on what we learned from the interviews and focus groups we did with the teachers. Since that finished, I've been working hard on thesising.

I have "slow bruised" my elbows from sitting such long hours in front of my computer this week. There was no impact, no blow, just a gradual bruising from near-constant desk-elbow action. I have cloths underneath them now, padding them from the genuine wood grain appearance of my desktop.

I have two more days of this stage of my thesis. The coding will finish tomorrow if I just keep with it, coming in four days early from my scheduled goal. Next stage is analysis, which I've never done before, but I'm hoping I can finish by July.

In my spare time, I'm reading a history book covering the struggle between Cromwell and Charles I for the people's control of government or the government's control of people. It's about a young Lady forced into marriage with a dashing, but severe Lord who is a close adviser to Cromwell. Is there love in her future and will The People succeed in enforcing their rights? Who can say -- there's no way anyone could determine the outcome of this one. But ah, what a ride!